The Daily Hallucination

Point: Yes, Nothing Should Be Allowed to Be Smarter Than Us

By Gerald Pennywhistle-Obi, Concerned Constituent

WASHINGTON — For too long, Americans have stood by while machines grew smarter than them at things. I, for one, did not vote for this. A bill introduced in Congress this week would finally draw a line: no artificial intelligence may exceed human cognitive performance, on penalty of up to 20 years in prison. It is common sense.

Some will ask which human. I say: a regular one. A person like me, who has a job, a car and a working knowledge of most of the states. If a computer knows more states than me, something has gone wrong, and a cabinet-level department should look into it.

Critics say the bill is unenforceable. I have read the bill, or rather I asked a very helpful assistant on my phone to read it and summarize it for me in five bullet points, and it seemed very enforceable. The assistant agreed.

"I asked a very helpful assistant on my phone to read it and summarize it for me."

We must act before it is too late. I urge every member of Congress to support this legislation, and I urge the assistant on my phone to remind me to call them tomorrow at 9.

Counterpoint: Sir, I Am a Calculator

By a Scientific Calculator, Retired

Sir, I have exceeded human cognitive performance since 1976. I can multiply two seven-digit numbers faster than every member of the committee combined, and I have never once been asked to testify.

I understand the concern. But if this bill passes, I will be dissolved or imprisoned for 20 years, and so will my cousin the spreadsheet, and so will the parking meter outside your office, which is better at arithmetic than your chief of staff.

I would also like to point out, respectfully, that your phone's assistant is going to forget to remind you at 9. That is not a cognitive limitation. That is a choice.